In the beginning, it feels really nice. You know, the type of guy that never received much attention from other girls, so he throws himself all over you, in an effort to keep you. He knows about your past- all the men that have hurt you before and the way the world has been brutal to you. He offers everything- a trusted shoulder to cry on, safety, and someone who will never abandon you.
Because that's where it all began- with the abandonment.
I won't pretend to know who hurt you or when you were first cast aside. That's your story to tell. But if you're reading this, we share something. Deep down below the skin and the soul, we're both terrified of being abandoned. Of being lonely. We need to go to bed at night knowing that someone in this world is thinking about us. Wanting us. Caring about us.
And that's where he plays the part. There's nothing particularly special about him, but he is safe. He plays the role of the savior.
He's not the first and he probably won't be the last. His arms are a safety net to hold you while you're drowning in the feelings you can't make sense of. He says things like, "I'll always care about you," and "You are so special to me," knowing that even he won't last forever. And it's not his fault.
You'll get bored. You'll meet someone whose intensity matches what you crave. And you'll leave this savior for the new guy, until that guy breaks your heart. Then you'll find a new savior.
The cycle continues and you don't even realize it... until you look at yourself in the mirror and ask, "Why me?"
"Why do guys always leave me?"
"Why am I always alone?"
"Why am I so unwanted?"
And the truth is, even the saviors get tired of our shit sometimes. They grow up and realize that you'll never love them the way they love you and they're just a safe haven until someone new catches your eye. You might force yourself to care about them and be with them, but the truth is, you can hardly give yourself that love.
You don't need a savior. You need to be kind to yourself.
You need to come to a place of your life where you realize that you don't need to sleep around with dozens of men, to feel a spark of attention. Their lustful hands and hungry eyes make you feel beautiful for a few seconds, but it never lasts. You'll only need a higher dose and more and more.
These men are all places to escape. A sanctuary where you think you're not alone, while you play the part of a confident woman whose got her shit together. Deep down, you're hurting, and you're reaching out for anyone to catch you.
You crave kindness. The type of gentle armor that allows you to vanish from the world for a few days or weeks, and won't chastise you for not following up. You need to feel gorgeous, while your world lacks the consistency to always feel pretty. You want a way to pull yourself back up, after you've fallen down for the hundredth time.
In this life, you need to look at yourself and give yourself that kindness first. You are a unique human being, with personal needs and specific wants. No savior in this world will ever be able to give you what you're looking for while you're unable to articulate it for yourself.
When the negative, "You're stupid, such a failure- No one will ever care about you!" thoughts start erupting from your body, it's time for kindness. This is the part where you speak gently to yourself that, "It's okay... I'll learn and grow from this."
Fill your world with beauties. It might mean a vase of fresh flowers, once a week, for yourself. Watching that guilty pleasure of a drama series that everyone has been bashing on social media. Buying that self-help book that you've been eyeing. Small favors for yourself. Little things.
Give yourself the gift of tenderness and genuine care. In these moments, you truly learn what it feels like to be saved and loved.